..::08.01.06::..
i've been meaning to do this for quite some time, but haven't had what it takes mentally nor physically to do so.
*year in review*
milemarker one: one of the closest people to me dies. situations surrounding the death lead me to believe that there is something after life and that some form of a ghost is possible. for two months i had strange things happen that i will never forget, and i felt like i was being watched. i hope i didn't disappoint him. i hope he understands. this initiates a year of loss and confusion, and ultimately me learning many things about others and myself. i still call columbus home, however, the distance between myself and that place has grown...which makes it easier for me to imagine a move again, and makes me sad in a lot of ways too. there isn't really a cohesive way to put these things down, i think that's the reason for the delay in doing so...several friends have moved. i've lost them to distance. erik first and alex most recently. i revisited one of my former favorite hangouts in chicago, and felt a distance from what it is now to what it was. the place has changed for sure, but i think some of that is me. people are getting married or pursuing what i'd term adult life things. grad school, careers, kids, weddings, etc. visiting and travel isn't as easy as it once was and i feel parts of me slipping into adulthood. parts i hate. things like not taking time off when i should, and not making it to either europe or vermont this year. i was broke. am broke. money isn't everything, but it is something sometimes. i miss the freedom from responsibility and fear apathy.
i lost one of my best friends this year. the saddest part to me is that i don't really know why. i not only not afforded the opportunity to discuss the situation with said person. not at the time. not after. i found a correspondence where it was said that i was like a sister. i said the same in a card to alex when she moved. the thing about family, and i'd always thought with friends as well, is that you love them and it isn't like a switch that you can turn off at will. there are things that have happened between alex and i that could have ended our friendship, but she taught me forgiveness. i know the things she did weren't out of spite, that they are just her. like a sister i love her and do not fault her for such things. i had closure on one thing that had bothered me for two years this year. i used to have to drive by this constant reminder of pain every day. when i moved that reminder wasn't daily, but i still even now think about it sometimes. said friend might be married by now. i don't know. i know the wedding was sometime this month. much like everything else, i wasn't given details after a certain point. i've never had this happen and it kills me that i can't make the next move, because i can't be that miserable again. i've never felt like that--the confusion, stress, and sadness--and without some sort of effort or explanation, i don't care to feel like that again.
this past year i learned that i need to express my emotions beyond paper. i learned that someone i dated never really knew how i felt. that kills me too. i feel like sometimes i wear my heart on my sleeve, but apparently it's buried and hard to get to. love scares me. i don't understand how things can be so right, but can't ultimately be right in the end. i feel like i've had that twice and feel lucky about having had it at all, even if it spoils me on a comparative basis...and i don't think it's fair to compare, but i don't know really how to eliminate that. everyone is different and they have their good and bad qualities...and even the same people can become different. one person with another is a whole new equation.
i've been overwhelmed by lists. making them. doing them. not keeping up with them. thinking constantly about them. it might be a good idea for me for a while to break from that...
this isn't at all how i wanted this to sound. how i wanted to write, but at least i can look back and sort of know where i was at. am at.
and if you're reading this, you were like a sister to me. and i hope you are well.
