..::18.09.06::..
i've been trying really hard lately in almost all facets. i have a pretty solid understanding at this point as to where a person comes from. their personality. their being. their actions. and as much as you want to deny being your parents and acting like them...i'm understanding that whole cyclical thing...that you can't avoid no matter how you try. my first memory ever is in a furry car seat in a burgundy vw rabbit. and part of that is the gum that has the chewy, gushy center...i can't remember what it's called, but i remember how the pieces would explode in my mouth..and how they'd get stuck together in the pack in the console of my mother's car. and as much as i've denied parts of myself. my being...i know that some parts are inevitable. i'm looking forward to my friends coming in for the weekend. i requested the day off at work....and i'm sick that sounds like a sacrifice or a big move, but it is...we're shorthanded and i was silly nervous about asking off. "approved." and i'm so so happy. people tell me i work too much. i work my ass off. i know that, but still i feel in some way that i was awarded a promotion by default. and i know in some ways that's me being humble...cause i don't know how else to accept something like that. i'm confused and happy all rolled up into one. i come from advertising. as a child of the 80s my favorite game wasn't scrabble. it was a limited edition game called adverteasing. to play it now is near impossible. you have to guess slogans of companies that have been debunkt for years. ie panam....but i was amazing at it years ago...and i remember my dream being an art director....the goal of the game being that you moved up the corporate ladder...from mail room to copy writer to designer to art director...and i remember way back in the day that being my goal--to be an art director. and it seemed so far fetched at the time...even after college. i had only one design class...no computer classes. self taught. i wanted to major in international advertising. so that i could combine my loves. i love medicine. art. advertising. languages. while i don't use my languages currently... i was honestly hit by the fact that at least on some levels i've obtained my goals...i'm tearing up now...lame? maybe. but i've worked really hard. and even though i dont' have the huge support network here that i had at home...not the regular friends/family...i have to say that overall i have done a lot for myself..regardless of what is to come...i'm scared shitless honestly. i have big shoes to fill...i feel young an di want to stay young. i hve a lot i want to do yet...i've been upset lately on fronts of friends w/ girfriends...i don't understand. it's like a facet of my closest friends' lives is a mystery and i don't know why. i'm not a jealous type. i'm understanding...really. and i want to be happy for people. and i fear that a lack of meeting/sharing will lead to distance in the future. i hope i'm wrong.
a friend had a baby in the past week or so. she's beautiful. sweet. her name: amelie. he spoke to me in baby talk in portuguese on request today. baby talk in a foreign language is decidely more cute thatn in american tongue. i was touched. i don't so much know what i'm doing, but i feel accomplished in some ways...and hope to do more...i need more goals. more understanding of self.i think i cried too because it's scary to obtain a goal. i don't know what my next one is...i'm missing friends, but i love it here. it's comfortable in many ways. lacking in some.
i double check the locking of my car doors like my mom would turn around the vw rabbit to check to make sure the curling iron/iron was unplugged. maybe that's why we were always late. i was early today to work. turning over a new leaf. trying really hard. can't deny somethings...glad to finally use my barin again at work...feeling in shape. pretty sane. feeling fall...at least i have natural light in my office again. i missed that. it's nice.
toute les amis j'adorent. j'adorent toujours. j'adore l'autumn le meilleur.
