..::29.01.07::..
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most mammals will produce tears in response to extreme pain, but crying as an emotional reaction is considered by many to be uniquely human, with the only known acceptions being gorillas and of course, elephants.
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in many cultures, crying is associated with babies and children. in most, it is more socially acceptalbe for women to cry in public than men.
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i often identify myself as more characteristically male. not in how i dress, or how i look. and not always how i think. but often how i feel and how i behave.
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in my family it is rare to cry. rarer to talk about emotions.
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fake realities seem to be the only way i can trigger tears. movies. sometimes real things, the news, tragedy, will strike me. but almost never in the presence of others and real news never after 9 am.
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right now i am crying. i rented a dvd of the L word. something that sometimes makes me cry, probably because it's supposed to. usually it makes me laugh. and it's always entertaining. but today, it made me understand.
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i've been trying to feel for days now. i've been upset, but unable to understand how to act. how to be. two weeks ago her symptoms were flaring. she'd been taking care of her demented mother for two years. her son was upset about her own health. she was in trouble. and it seemed no one cared, or at least not the ones that could do anything. she actually tried to get help. something we'd put past her, she wasn't the type to take time for herself. was always giving to others. i actually hadn't realized how much she'd given until recently.
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Her son, my (pseudo) brother, and first friend, was put in the most awful of situations. but there really wasn't anything i could do aside from being there to talk...even though i really didn't know what to say. if you know your mom doesn't believe in artificial means of sustaining life, but you think there might be a chance, and you love her, what do you do?
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she passed with her lucky buckeye in her hand. which after talking to him and to hilary...it's weird to discover what your parents hold onto all of their lives. it can be shocking sometimes. sweet. revealing. and when you're taking care of your demented mother for too long, sometimes the notes you leave behind can be damn funny.
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he sounded better. energized with a story of spirit. his sense of self and outlook in general seemed more upbeat saying that he'd already had the most difficult day in his life.
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i think i'll stop here.
i hope that i don't have to have that worst day ever, or at the very least that it is far far away.
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piggy if you're reading this i love you. and i'll miss you.
xo
your (pseudo) daughter
