..::sparkle and fade::..

..::08.12.07::..
this evening was our company holiday party. forgive me for being drunk. we didn't get a bonus this year. it was awful. i hope eventually it is resolved somehow. i am still hopeful. somehow.

this week i talked to a friend i hadn't talked to in a while. she has an ability to cut to the quick. to bleed me in places i thought were protected. it fucking hurts. once she told me that having my jaw wired shut might be a great thing, cause i'd lose weight. this time she said something to the effect that i'd never struck her as the type to be able to be satisfied with one person. be able to settle down etc. i honestly don't know if i can call her a friend. simple words cut quickly and severe more than nerves. the timing she picks is always impeccable. and awful. it is this time that i am most vulnerable. despite my best efforts. every day a new palette. something stronger. something bolder.

i think the things that hurt you most are the things that you either think are true, or that you fear most...or that your'e insecure about to begin with. case in point. the latter. awful.

i'm so confused lately. i think it's compounded by so many of my friends getting married. having kids. i don't really know what i'm doing. what i'm to do. i feel lost and i don't like that.