..::22.12.07::..
i'm kind of freaking out. i'm overwhelmed by...everything. i even bought a magazine called psychologies today at the store to distract my brain. hoping i'd read something reassuring. i feel like i'm being toyed with and not just by one person. there are a lot of good things happening. really a lot. i'm just stressed. i'm out of my element. i'm confused. and i'm finding it hard to distract my voices of reason/insecurities for any great length of time.
compounding the issue: i told a secret i shouldn't have. massive guilt. i was reaching for something to talk about. i fucked up. i call my general goodness as a person into question. i have gone at least ten rounds on beating myself up over it. i need to get over it. forget it. number two: one of my best friends calls me. i answer on call number three. something is wrong. i can tell. with most you can tell by a 2 am phone call. this one is third phone call in two hours. we are sisters. it is understood. she is crying. bawling even. this is not normal. this is something i have never experienced. it is easy to be comforting. easy to talk reason to others. hard to believe things myself. find a large need to numb. i try to distract. not working. feel reminded of last christmas. have been reassured of many things on many levels. done many things. it is amazing how completely void i feel. how confused. cheated. frustrated. how unfair things are.
psychologies sucks by the way. they say i should have showered with affection and attention. but i was too stressed. too confused. too overwhelmed. too taxed. too me.
i am trying to prepare myself for christmas. to numb myself beyond feeling. i don't think it's possible.
ps. the great part of me has always wanted to celebrate a holiday with baskin robbins ice cream cake. the big part of me is not religious. gets off on the thought of bringing a happy birthday jesus cake to christmas. but the great part of me is also a crowd pleaser. and already feeling beat up. and so i will have to think of this thought in my head to smile while i bite my tongue on christmas and try not to cry.
