..::03.02.15::..
far too long. yup.
i think i've given up writing for talking out my issues, feelings, etc and i don't like it. it's not the same to talk to someone that's not inside of my brain. isn't me. it's helpful and makes sure i don't deny things sure. but i don't have a nice way to reference later to say hey--how was i six months ago, a year, two years. so late new years resolution to begin again. because i liked it and it was helpful. and for as much reading as i've been doing, writing is sure something i'd like to do but haven't been making time for.
i feel like i lost my independence in a way and am trying to get it back. getting the dog was one way to lose and another way to bolster confidence and meet new people. but it was exhausting. i'm glad to be through the mostly puppy phase. i've learned a lot about myself. how responsible i thought i was vs what i am. how much i've gained in that respect. how much i'm not good at keeping a regular schedule. even now. not helpful to add work into that mix whatsoever. and how much time i have thrown away.
i did so much art before the dog. before N and now it's time for that again. i bagged painting for a bit for ceramics and it's been cathartic. i love that it's so independent and i have something to see and point to at the end...and yet how social it is and how helpful people are compared to other mediums i've tried. i like that it's given me a license to let go and let things happen and not be so fucking anal. and i finally have a teacher this session that is instructional and energetic. elated to teach after 20 years. funny. i can see why my dad wanted to go into it professionally.
i can also admit now that i am not my dad. I AM NOT MY DAD. despite following his footsteps in many ways, the older i get the more i see our differences and sort of understand him better in theory if not in practice.
i'm looking forward to seeing him for a few days. enjoying sunshine and a boat trip--it's been so long and i love being on the water. i hope we can have some meaningful time. seems like less and less these days and the clock it is a ticking. it's weird that i don't see that with my mom so much. she seems eternal, but i can see him age. have seen him age. i don't think he's happy. i wish we were the types to express our feelings outside of paper. i'm trying to get better.
but expressing on paper is important too. i'm not good at acknowledging nor holding sadness and anger and i've had a fair amount of it as of late. especially the last few days. i'd go so far as to say i've raged on peoples' total lack of consideration. i read an article about not giving a fuck and i think maybe that's what i need to do..but not.
i need to be done with putting other people first. the dog has helped with that--i only have so much energy to devote to giving out to a person or a thing and he gives me so much back that he's what i want to dole out to these days. also (and i mean maybe it's great he can't talk) he doesn't have the ability to make me feel bad unless it's a time thing. or a love thing. and that's important.
everyone is getting married. or remarried. or dating. and i guess i thought i was so breezy and cool to be able to be friends with a lot of my exes. sort of that whole theory that if you dated for a long time why would you end that friendship? well, i'm kind of starting to understand that a bit. i guess i've been a bit of a collector of exes and subconsciously maybe that was a fall back crutch of sorts. something that made me feel comfortable. a dog often mirrors the owner and mine has anxiety and separation issues. me: yup. so pretty much all my exes are moving across the country with a girlfriend. marrying and inviting me to the wedding. or recently when i thought one was potentially hospitalized (as N was the week before) nope. he was hooking up with his new/old friend/lady. and i guess i would be fine with that, but to not respond to contact when someone is really concerned. that isn't cool. and then to use that as an excuse. were we really friends? because that felt beyond shitty. like awful.
i'm not good at severing contact. never have been. but i need to get better at it. for my own sanity and happiness. and so someone else can come the fuck in.
but then again. it's hard. i rarely let someone in and when i do i'm hurt x 100 when they hurt me. i guess that's the risk in living and loving and being human. i try so hard to manage my expectations and emotions. and i give so much.
i guess i just forget how many people are out for number 1. and i should be too, but man, i hope i can at least see and acknowledge those that are giving and sweet.
i'm doing a food swap now which is a really brilliant thing i have to say and working well. only fail was deciding to make a meal for someone who told me about his wife having breast cancer and a masectomy. my aunt had both. and both removed. and both reconstructed. i asked her about recovery time for him and all kinds of things that were hard for me to ask her about, but she's giving like that and i relayed info. given that he's jewish i asked him if they had any dietary restrictions and he came back with pages. it was absurd. even my aunt said tell him to fuck off. given that they were close to the way i already cook i didn't think it was a big deal. i brought them two big things of soup and when i stopped by today to ask how his wife was doing he gave me an update on her...and had to the audacity to say that my dish needed more spice. um you said not spicy and everyone else loved it. i'm a great cook so that's where i'm confident. it was fucking good. then said it was soupy. um you gave me so many restrictions dude that was what i was left with. maybe he was pissed about the outcome of her diagnosis. i get that. but jesus. i'm so done.
enough with everyone being shitty. i'm done serving your ungrateful asses. i'll side with the lovely low maintenance and stimulating people i've met this past year. go fuck yourself(ves) already.
time for me.
