past week really struggling. today at this time of night i'm happy to be writing and feeling so MUCH better. i think the winter SADD finally got to me. and other things. it's too much for me sometimes to deal with the shitty reality of things all at once. and that happened in the past week. but i'm proud of myself for digging my way out of ice and snow. literally and figuratively. i think i was so hurt i put up a huge fucking barrier and i'm glad that there has been enough sunshine to melt that shit away. i've been thinking about writing since the other day and that's a good thing. a healthy thing.
N out of life--mostly. mom left. my fantastic date never called. never texted. a friend of a friend set up. a cruel disappointment. i'll get back to that.
so basically the whole town sucked for a week in regards to getting anywhere. work wasn't cancelled. in fact, it was busier than usual which made everything just exponentially more difficult. i have two full time accounts and the woman i deal with on the client end is just horrid. verbally abusive. it's getting to me. and as my other account ramps up enough for two plus people, it's just too much to be managing this much work. i have to give myself crazy pep talks to get myself in a mood to deal at work and then i think i end up looking manic or kind of crazy, but it's better than being beat down by the (wo)man. but i'm dealing. and i'm making people laugh and that makes it all more bearable. god damn i'm thankful for having a sense of humor. for sure.
so mom finally got out of the city and i was left to my own devices. it's been a long time since i've been alone. a really long time. and i'm not, nor ever have i been, good at it. so i'm really trying this time to be better. but that coupled with being snowed in and N being not around was hard.
enough of my whining. now it's time to kick ass in words.
so this friend of a friend set up. did i mention that i was wigged out by it? totally not holding breath...and requested him to meet me out with our mutual friend to be less awkward? and this guy who is 13 years older (apparently my weak spot in age with men) shows up to a girls night outing with 7 other women. and he's not like a baller by any means, but the dude had enough balls to do it. and i was so beyond pleasantly surprised with how things went and our interactions etc. asks me out at the end of the evening and driving me home--a real fucking gentlemen i'm thinking right? so anyhow...fast forward and i have no idea what our date is...and he mentions going to a night of live music with...funk. yup. not really what i was expecting, but it's been so long since anyone planned anything i thought the right thing to do was to say yes and give it a chance. so i did.
and how'd that go? fantastic! great conversation. fun. dropped me off. walked to the door. he talked about hanging out when my mom left. and then what happened? absolutely nothing. i have never in my life been so confused nor surprised. honestly.
so that was thursday and over a week later with no follow up i was confused/pissed/embarrassed? i mean this is someone my friend is friends with. a recommended man. wtf. but still i had some irrational hope deep down that maybe something happened. i wasn't going to text because that's just not my style to be the one to reach out. despite every male bone in my female body, that's where i draw the line.
but on friday when i was out with said friend she was appalled and i was beyond caring in the way that i figured he wasn't interested and i just wanted to know. i guess. so she texted him and he texts back almost right away. hours later i text him. middle school? yes. but i'm so glad i did.
the next fucking afternoon this fuckwad responds. did it really take a 47 year old this long to craft such a lovely text? apparently. and maybe this is why he's still single. yep. i'll point fingers on this one.
the text:
"hi e, so sorry for not getting back in touch. it has been a difficult week in my world. you are a sweetheart and cool to hang out with. that being said i thought i would try to date ousdie fo my religious background but i don't think it will work because my roots run to deep. i hope we can still hang out. please accept my apologies."
i'm so pissed. all i want to do is respond, but i know if you don't have something nice to say don't say anything at all. i do believe that. but thankfully i can respond here and get it out of my system.
A) couldn't you just say something before a week out and me having to contact you?
b) is that a cop out?
c) why even mention hanging out if that's how you're feeling?
d) why ask me out if you know (which i relayed day one) that i'm not super religious whatsoever
e) you have the one religion i'm ok with and plenty of my family has married outside. and if you want to get real technical i probably am your faith, but you didn't give me enough time to reveal that gem. did you? nope.
f) the word "too" has two "o"s. that's an extra zero for you. remember that. you're leaving with nothing. and will probably end up that way if you continue to treat women like that. especially women that are in your social circle. aren't you ashamed? embarrassed? i know my friend is horrified that she set you up with me. and she totally asked you about the religion thing prior.
i mean dating is a thing. it can be fun. and breezy. but shouldn't there just be a grown up mutual respect and understanding to just say hey--this is how it is? you clearly have no idea how much of a mind fuck that was.
anyhow, my shrink told me to follow up. i didn't want to. i guessi 'm glad that i did in that my gut was right. but my gut is really tired of being kicked. every time i let my guard down i feel like i have even more reason for building a thicker wall the next time. i never expected this one. and i know i shouldn't wall myself off, but man. this shit is hard. being alone is getting better.
watched a french film this morning and identified so much with it. the girl left her (boring but lovely) boyfriend after 14 years for a douche to discover that being single in her 30s is just really sucky. but the one thing i really loved about the film was that she said "i'd never have left him if i knew..." and her friend said something to the effect of "you don't leave a relationship to leave him. you leave a relationship for you." and i think that's really true and really powerful. and something to keep in mind when you're dealing with total assholes. which apparently must be more of a city thing because the douche to gentleman ratio here vs home is way disproportionate.

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