lots of interconnecting parts and pieces. lines drawn across states that aren't grounded in social media. things are happening. it feels different and hopeful and for once in my life i'm not so afraid to let go and jump in to see what happens. so far so good.
listened to third coast the other night and considering all that's going on with my dad's situation and my friend i thought the following was amazing. as told by iggy pop about william s burroughs. "one hand on the typewriter and another pushing a needline into his arm.
i don't just take the burroughs myth with a pinch of salt, i view it as an unpleasant slug crwaling across the lawn of literature and i like to pour salt on it."
alcohol seems to be a spilled drink that is soaking the cocktail napkin of many i know as of late and making things a little less solid. i am happy to say that i don't think that is me. and that feels good.
for the first time in at least 14 plus years i have decided to go skinny dipping in life. i think i thought for a long time that literally being naked was a good way for me to gain some sort of intimacy, but at this point in my life i can see that i was wrong. not slutty, but just not getting it. the walls were too thick. i was too scared. and i was more concerned about caring for another first over myself.
so thank you 2015. this feels different somehow in so many, many ways. and at first i was so very afraid to say anything for fear somehow that i'd curse the good. ruin it. but really what kind of living is living in fear?
so i'm running with it. and trying.
for someone that has never had the collective openness at home with my family i can say that in the past month or so my dad's situation has made everything so. much. easier.
i'd totally given up on dating in general. really. was convinced that everyone was broken or ruined. terrible. inconsiderate. which in all honesty is where i think i was before many years ago when i met M. so when i talked to A i didn't hold up much of a candle of hope. but it seemed nice. at first. and then it just seemed to build versus fizzle. i sleuthed. i figured. and somehow knowing that we knew good people in common was well...great. i know for a fact that i treated him differently than another anonymous internet person. for sure. and i think that was good. and he was good. and interesting and sweet. and i got really, really nervous.
i was so excited that i was terrified to "ruin it" which after talking to J was silly. because if things are meant to be, they are meant to be and you can't ruin them. it just happens. not like it's a lack of responsibility. just a fact. and that thought felt good and it was comforting. but i was still kind of a disaster.anyhow, it's been almost a month of in person time and i have to say that i've never been so open with someone in my life. which is weird and i can't really call nor explain why that happened, but unlike my usual self i will say that it's nice. and he's weird in a good way and that i think makes me feel comfortable and more willing to be open/share. who knew that if i was more willing others would be too? i think i was always too scared before. and i am now too, but way less so.
i think everything i've had happen up until this point was really important. especially in the past year or so. i was so afraid to get moose due to my job, my schedule, my finances, etc, but it was the first time in so long that i said a big fuck you to any criticism and pulled the trigger. and i learned so much by having that little furry four-legged guy in my life. like it's a big fucking responsibility. and expensive. and more social and great than i'd realized. but also if i'm doting on a needy animal, i just don't have the energy for a lot of BS otherwise. so i thank moose for helping me to realize how much energy i was exerting towards other people that weren't always so appreciative. and for bringing the focus back to self. and for meeting some actually cool neighbors that provide inspiration in other ways.
otherwise, i'll say that i'm really really happy for the first time in so so long. and it's not because of another person entirely but it is an added bonus for sure. and it's great so far to feel comfortable and respected...and just well, smitten. it's been a long time. and i think i deserve it and i'm ok with that.
cheers to spring beginning and the ice melting in more ways than one.

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When you wish upon a star... - 01.02.20
Reunited. CFT - 08.11.15
i wear my heart under sleeves. - 03.24.15
what happens in jupiter, stays in jupiter. - 02.23.15
i'm leaving this thought so that i can leave this feeling behind. - 02.08.15

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